Blog

It’s approaching almost one year since the last time I wrote in my blog, and I finally decided to break in the blog again.

Why have I not written? Let’s just chalk it up to being a terrible blogger. I have this mental block where I can’t write about it until after it’s happened, so the fact that I stayed and stayed and stayed in Mexico… had not represented a closed chapter, so I didn’t write about it. Yeah, I suck, I know. Well, then, um, certain circumstances happened (read this blog to understand), and I was never really in a place where I felt positive or motivated to write an entry. Well, friends, family, fitness lovers, or maybe some random tattooed smart single man with muscles across the globe who is following this blog (message me, boo), I am finally ready.

Post note: There has been a lot of stuff to share in this update, so I warn you this blog entry is long as fuck. Maybe I should break it into 3 or 4 parts or something, but I’m not that fancy; it all kind of strings together chronologically and it all ties together as scenery of my life, so please choose a time to read it when you can nestle up with a tea and don’t say I didn’t warn you. Okayloveyoubye

JAN 7, 2016 – FEB 5, 2017/ HIGHLIGHTS, LOW LIGHTS, WEIRD LIGHTS/ A YEAR OF ADVENTURE, BACKPACKING AROUND LATIN AMERICA/ VIVA LA MOCHILERA!!!

Man, last year was one of the most incredible years of my life. I had wanted to quit my job, sell my stuff, and work on farms around the world. I was terrified, because I felt like a fucking stupid, foolish person to give up the successful personal training business I had established, give up my apartment, my car, my stuff, etc. I saw everyone around me working in stable jobs, doing that whole thing, and I felt paralyzed and suffocated with fear, I had so many breakdowns and nightmares that I was going to make the wrong choice, and lose everything I had fought so hard to set up… But I set a deadline for myself… if by “X” date nothing changes, I will go through with it. That date came and passed. And I went through with it. And never regretted a moment. I ended up mostly NOT working in farms after my first experience but did stay true to the traveler spirit and ended up visiting 8 different countries and really staying true to my intentions, which were to become less rigid and more flexible, to open myself to say YES more instead of always saying no (“because I have work”, “because I have to…”), and seeing more of the world!

Highlights of the past year:

• One of the places I really enjoyed myself the most was in Cusco, Peru. For me- and I can’t speak for everyone, but for me, from the moment I arrived, it felt like magic. The quaint cobblestone streets, the cheap and healthy vegetables in the market, the friendliness of the people. Everything really worked out well for me. I rented a room in an Air B n B with a boy who actually turned out to live super close to where I had been living prior to travelling! He was very easy going and inspired me to start taking Spanish classes. This room was (drumroll please) RIGHT NEXT TO MY JIU JITSU ACADEMY. Oh my god, the pleasure of waking up in the morning and the having the arduous task of walking across the street to take my no-gi class. It was awesome. I was often there twice a day, cuz I really had no excuse. I also met one of the most amazing and inspirational couples in the world for me, who’ve I already mentioned in other blog entries. It was in Cusco that I met Shane, my jiu jitsu teacher, and Marianne, his wife. They are so frikkin inspirational because they work online, so they travel the world like two little lovebugs, setting up shop wherever they feel inspired, because they work along the way, so they never have to stop! They have lived together from small shitty tents on fields in India, to Australia, to Argentina, to everywhere under the sun, and I’m so impressed with them. They’ve been travelling non stop for like 10 or 15 years and they are so chill and they totally represent my #relationshipgoals
• Another highlight was training MMA in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. I took classes at RFT in Rio and they are total badasses there. So many pro MMA fighters who dedicate their entire lives to the sport. I asked if I could attend the pro MMA fighter classes, and the director was kind enough to let me attend. I was easily the shittiest one, but I showed up and did my best. Training with a full class of cauliflower-eared, rugged professional MMA fighters (all men except the occasional girl or two) who speak not a word of English. Did that training for umm 2 or 3 weeks. It was scary lol. It so ridiculously hot and sweaty as fuck, we were dripping like fucking disgusting faucets, all of us rolling jiu jitsu in a pool of all of our sweat like we’re on a fucking slip n slide.
  

  I am on the left, with the gray pants. Look at the floor. It ain’t water, yo.

• Another amazing highlight was doing a work exchange at a spiritual temple in a tiny mountain community, in the middle of nowhere in the vast country of Brazil.I cleaned toilets with toothbrushes with my bare hands because there were no gloves; I raked; I helped make meals for 75 people; woke up to white horses wandering free outside my door; participated in drum circles with people from all around the world; listened to lectures on love while sitting on gazebos nestled between lush green landscapes, the breeze kissing my tears away as I’m overwhelmed with appreciation and emotions hard to pinpoint. One day a group of some of us volunteers hiked up one of the mountaintops and had a dance party at the top. It was epic. Here’s a clip.
• Last, but not least, I fucking loved Mexico City, Everything about it, I made great friends, there was an ease of living.
  

  training some no gi in Mexico City

   

  

  with friends in Mexico City, visiting Xochimilco

  The metro cost five pesos, and Uber was cheap, too. I loved learning slang and cuss words, and still have the goal to one day cuss as naturally and fluently in Spanish as I do in English, to stay true to being the pottymouth I am in English. Because it’s only right. Mexico City had the best fucking tacos, oh my god. Ojo, lengua, tripa, cesos, cabeza, ME ENCANTAN. And the esquites, sweet baby jesus, there is no other. And the gomitas de mango con chile, NO MAMES, ME MATAN!!! Gomitas, did I say gomitas? Please keep me away from them. Crack city. Andddd diverging from the topic of food. Mexico City is where I fell in love with salsa rueda, and salsa continues to be a guiding passion for me.

Weirdest time of the last year:

• Just for shits and giggles, let’s commemorate what was probably the WEIRDEST time of the past year. I worked through a work exchange program through WorkAway, and of course later found out his location was kicked off the site. I can completely understand why. I worked on this organic farm in Uvita, Costa Rica. The owner was this hypocritical, rude, eccentric, raw vegan, German nudist who was always hanging out, truly hangin out- pee pee, balls, butthole, and all. He was probably always high on something. I had to dig ditches for his hopes of building a sensory deprivation tank, take showers with cold water and no walls, and use dirt as soap. I had intended to work at this farm for at least three months, but only managed ten days before I basically ran out screaming.

Fucked up times of the last year:

Now let’s take a stroll down memory lane for some of the most dangerous and shitty times of the last year.

• There was the time in Cusco that I almost got robbed by two thieves, while one lunged at me and tried to push me, and the other opened my backpack. Luckily I responded quickly enough and they weren’t able to actually steal anything.
• There was the other lovely time I was sexually assaulted by two men in the busy metro in Mexico City. One started fingering me from the front over my leggings, and the other started humping from behind. I was so shocked and in disbelief, that I was thinking they were just moving along with the jostling of the metro. When I moved my hips and saw they followed mine, I shoved them both at the same time and they ran off. Almost more disturbingly, when I arrived to my Spanish class, I told my teacher (a Mexican woman) how I was just violated and how I felt upset, and she told me I deserved it because of the tight clothes I was wearing (it was sports attire).
• There was also that time in Guadalajara where I was walking home alone on a deserted street after jiu jitsu, and a homeless guy was walking toward me. I stayed alert, and I noticed that once he passed me, he turned back around and started following me. I took off and sprinted as fast as I could for several blocks til I was sure I had ditched him.
• Oh, and there was the time I got sick as fuck in Medellin and thought I could maybe die. I literally was there with no friends, because they had all left for other destinations. I was in excruciating pain, and was hardly moving or eating. After I had already been to the doctor and been in bed for like a week, all I could do was at 3 in the morning fall to the floor from my bed and crawl on hands and kneels to the door of the Colombian girl from whom I was renting a room. I knocked on her door and she found me sweating and laying on the ground, curled up in pain. I begged her to take me to the hospital. Bless her heart, she did, and I ended up surviving. Obviously. It was a bit scary, though, feeling sick as fuck, all by myself, so far away from home.

HOW IT ALL CAME CRASHING DOWN

Basically the end of this specific chapter came in the form of some text messages the night of Friday, Feb 3, 2017. My boyfriend at the time and I were travelling in Chiapas, which is really south Mexico, close to Guatemala. We were taking a tour of Palenque, which was an all day and all night excursion, and we didn’t get home until very late. My cell phone service wasn’t working for shit all day, because we were in the middle of nowhere, and I had Movistar, which apparently wasn’t pulling shit. We got back to the hostel close to midnight. All at once, once my signal returned, I received from my sister and mom several text messages and a voicemail. I knew something was wrong. I called my sister and she basically told me to get home as soon as I could, that Dad wasn’t looking good. It was the middle of the night in this sleepy town on the border of Guatemala, and I had only arrived a few days prior, and didn’t know shit. How the hell can I get as quickly as possible back home? I tried looking stuff up on the internet but the internet kept fucking failing, it wasn’t working, everything was closed, the town was dead, I was so frustrated. Finally I was able to pull up on my phone that there would be a bus ride leaving around 3 in the morning toward the city that had an airport. We packed up and starting walking to the bus station in the frigid air. We eventually got a cab and arrived at the bus station. We took that bus to another city, Tuxla, and from there took another taxi from the bus station to the airport. From there we caught a plane to Mexico City. I came back to my apartment and packed up my clothes, because I figured I would come back to San Diego for a month and take care of my dad. I returned to the airport and took a flight out in the afternoon that would take me to Tijuana. I crossed the border, and took an Uber straight to the hospital.

I arrived the night of Saturday, Feb 4, 2017. My sister sat me down and told me something that completely pulled the rug out from underneath me. I arrived to learn that my trip home was not to bring loving vibes and take care of him… but to say goodbye. That he would be gone very soon. I said my last goodbye to him in person the morning on Monday, Feb 6, 2017.

Rest in Peace, Dad

My whole life was changed in an instant. It turns out he had left some big messes that we need to take care of, and I couldn’t with clear conscious abandon my family. I decided to move back home. I had had a boyfriend in Mexico, but our relationship deteriorated while I was in San Diego and we ended up breaking up. In Mexico, I had had my gym partner, I had my friends… I came to San Diego and had zero friends. The business I had been working on in Mexico came to a screeching halt. I gave up my life there. Coming home, it was just me, my torment, my grief, my guilt, my confusion, and my depression. Living at home, I was dealing with family dynamics from youth, and disagreements on how to handle the affairs of my father after he died.

The first month solid, I felt a heavy gray cloud crushing me every moment of every day and every night, suffocating me with angst, confusion, nightmares, existential malaise, feelings of guilt, wondering if I’m doing the right thing, questioning my relationship with him, questioning now what the fuck am I doing with my life, I was crushed crushed crushed despondent, cracked, with terrible energy, negative, bitter, frustrated to have my whole life I had in Mexico and everything I was working on felt wretched from me in an instant. I felt in an ocean wave of despair and grief and anguish and confusion, tumbled upside down, underwater, gasping but failing to breath, not knowing which side was up and which side was down, inside a tornado of pain and negativity like a pitch black cloud of spiritual darkness surrounding me at all times.

The turning point came when I went back to Mexico one month after my father died, to move out of my apartment. I arrived at night, and the first morning I woke up in my bed, I immediately felt a lightness of being. I was in my own bed; it was so comforting. After waking up, I went to the gym, and saw my gym partner and best girl friend, Aza. I told her everything, and it felt like I laughed for the first time in a century. Just the fact of connecting with my friend and being able to express what I was going through, boosted me up 1 million percent. Seeing my friends that trip just made me feel so much better. I felt my head starting slowly to be pulled out the water. I was sinking anymore. I started packing some things up, giving the majority of my possessions away, closing my life there, at least for the moment. But I was doing it with intention and had had the plan to do this. As opposed to the first time when I torn away from a call in the middle of the night. This, on the other hand, was a deliberate move, I was doing this calmly, and knew that I was moving out to help out at home and to be with my family. I came back to San Diego with a much better attitude, and was no longer living in the utterly shocked, black and bitter, tear-streaked world I had been.

MENTAL HEALTH/HOW I’VE SURPRISINGLY NOT GONE APESHIT CRAZY/HOW IS IT AFTER SOME OF THE GRAVEST STRESSORS OF MY LIFE, I’M IN ONE OF THE BEST PLACES MENTALLY IN MY LIFE?/WHAT’S WORKING FOR ME

I have a lot of responsibility right now. My sister and I are working on selling off our dad’s condo, to pay off his massive debt. This has proven to be much more difficult than it seemed. It’s turned out to be a complete shitshow, there have been so many obstacles, we have been considering options all the way from lawsuits regarding HOA disputes, to foreclosure, we’ve been dealing with terrible contractors my father had already hired, etc, so even though “selling the house” is one thing, there are actually a million things within that category, such as balcony, leaks, permits, legal research, roof, drywall, reserve funds, and characters in our story with nicknames such as Bitchface and Fuckface. But seriously, it’s been a nightmare.

There’s also other stuff we are dealing with that I won’t go into, there is also life stuff, there is also a new business that I am working hard to start, plus my goals and dreams I want to accomplish, and recently our mom broke her wrist and had surgery, so we are helping her out, too. So, there is a lot of responsibility, and a lot of it is massively stressful. In addition to the reality that I changed countries, changed my lifestyle from traveler to resident (which has also had a serious impact on my self-perception), left a place where I had friends to a place I don’t, am starting my life over, and of course grieving the loss of my father. So much stress. I could easily crumble. Sure, sometimes I have moments of deep fear, of doubt, of darkness, of strife, of unhappiness. But overall I am feeling good. Like, really good.

How???? I think I have to credit it to a lot of the work I’ve been doing, for years, but have really made huge leaps starting in Jan 2017. I’ve had extensive therapy, and have worked on mindfulness in the past, meditating and everything. But starting in Jan 2017 I dove deep into a new approach that has really worked for me, and it’s quite possible to say my life will never be the same. There is a lot to it, but the tenet is really mindfulness, but disguised as talking out loud. I’m serious. It sounds stupid. But it worked for me, and I still try to keep it up. I do it in private, or in the past I have strapped on headphones while walking in public and pretended to talk to a friend, but really I was talking to myself. I feel that by talking out loud to myself, it’s produced a cogency and ability to see the truth and parce out the reality and logic, as opposed to these vague impulses or cognitive distortions that I felt controlled me. Another piece of the puzzle, that is related to talking things out, is being to able to face anything. Instead of hiding, instead of being scared of things, instead of restricting my world, instead of avoiding thinking about things, instead of avoiding places and situations…I feel like I’ve been working on facing things head on. Letting the thoughts come up. Letting the feelings come up. And understanding not all thoughts are true. And that feelings will always change.

In addition to this, I’ve been really working on taking good care of myself and being kind and flexible with myself.

Here are some of the things I’m doing:

• Waking up every morning and writing down 3 things I am grateful for
• Daily exercise
• Working on learning my hunger and fullness signals
• Becoming friends with hunger
• Eating intuitively instead of rigidly following a diet plan (this is crazy for me! After years of competing in bodybuilding and dieting bodybuilding style, intuitive eating sounded impossible. But I’m working on it…)
• Allowing myself to eat anything, including desserts, or anything I could possibly want, but nourishing myself with super healthy foods for the most part
• Drinking water, not too little, but not too much to make my life miserable (like how I did when I was prepping for shows, I drank so much, I was sooo miserable)
• I do manifestation rituals daily
• I allow myself to feel my feelings. Well, I’m trying. Any discomfort, grief, fear, etc… I try to lean into it and allow myself to cry
• I try to be easy on myself. I have a lot on my plate and I am generally productive. So when I hit a wall, mentally or physically, I respect it and try to relax
• Placing sleep as a priority, trying to implement a “no phone after x time” (with limited success so far haha but im working in it)
• Mini mindfulness breaks throughout the day, focusing on my senses
• Reminding myself that 1) not all thoughts are true and 2) all thoughts and feelings are temporary. If I just let something pass, it will naturally do so. I don’t need to force it or DO anything in particular. It will pass on it own. Like you don’t need to MAKE an ocean wave undulate, it will naturally ebb and flow. A thought or feeling will pass if you just allow it.
• Nurturing my intellect and self-improvement with good books
• Continue following in the direction of my dreams, even as they change and evolve. Not listening to society that we must live a certain way, working our lives away in cubicles, barely scraping by, letting the vast world be left unknown, and letting life pass us by, eyes closed, til the day we die, then die with tons of regrets, wishing we had lived more fiercely, taken more chances, danced more, loved more
• Working on stretching/yoga more (I’ve heard many times that flexibility is the fountain of youth!)

…I need to work on more dancing in my life, more local friends, more art, and more laughter. Like, way more laughter. (If you have any amazing memes, please send them to me! I will love you forever).

GOALS/ WATCH ME WERK

What’s in my future? Those who know me, know I frequently take on new incarnations. I think I should never be surprised to surprise myself. And never say never. And use as many dumb clichés as possible (just kidding, never say never was the last. For a while.) So, where do I see myself? What are my passions in the moment, what makes me lose track of time, what makes me settle in, and what makes the chatter fade out? What intrigues me, what do I want to learn more about? I’m not making any promises, but maybe one day I will be a professional salsa dancer, or a YOGA INSTRUCTOR (I have hated yoga soooo much, this would really be a kicker), or a women’s sexual health advocate?

From a long term perspective, I can’t be certain where I’m headed, but I can say that in the short term, I do have a goal that I can share with you and take you along for the ride. I am going to a festival on Aug 16^th and I want to lose 2 pounds every week until then.

Method: Mix of my personal study of neuroscience, neuroplasticity, bodybuilding, sports science, sustainable habit building (Georgie Fear is awesome, by the way), etc. I plan on being flexible and adaptable and not having a “way” to do things, being open to change, being able to do things unconventionally. Maybe I’ll keep an eye on calories or macros… maybe not!! I’ve done years and years of studying, I have my masters in Exercise Science, have multiple NASM certifications, I am certified with Precision Nutrition, I am a Holistic Lifestyle Coach with The CHEK Institute, have many other certifications, I am a 2 x nationally qualified physique competitor, a 2x NPC overall physique champion, 3x USPA national record breaker, I’ve competed competitively in many other sports, and have coached many clients and never stop studying. I am STILL trying to find my own perfect formula for myself, and I recognize this could change and look different at different times in my life.

And I finally feel ready to put myself to the test hardcore. This festival in mid-August is a week long, and I want to show my ass (sorry, Mom). I’m using that as a motivator for me to lose 2 pounds per week. I plan on buying hella bikinis and fun sexy outfits and I’m planning to go all out, I’ll get my hair did, I’ll get a spray tan, I’ll get my nails did, these things are way beyond normal Kristina actions, so you get what I’m saying.

I weigh right now approximately 157 pounds and I plan on losing weight as easily and effortlessly and sustainably as possible! What that means for me is protecting my sleep, drinking plenty of water, eating tons of fiber-rich veggies, getting in protein every meal, and being flexible! That means sushi, fruit, dairy, and other things that were off the menu when I was competing for my figure/physique competition, are all possible.

One mantra I have is “I can eat anything I want at any time, however much I want, as long as want.” This shifts me to a place of empowered choice. The truth is, I am not restricted. No one is restricting me. I can eat anything I want. Who really gives a fuck? No one cares what I eat. The important thing is to make myself happy. And what would make me happy is creating healthy habits that lead to weight loss that is as effortless as possible! I CHOOSE to eat healthfully, to help my brain function better. I CHOOSE to eat healthfully, to help my body work optimally. I CHOOSE to eat well, to live in line with my values. I CHOOSE to eat well, so I can feel fly as fuck! So I can work out how I want! So I can run a mile! Or lift some heavy ass weight! Or punch someone in the face! (ok, just kidding, I’m not great at boxing, but maybe one day).

Soooo I am sharing my journey with you. I will keep you posted, and hopefully you guys will be inspired to work for your specific wellness goals, choose one healthy habit to work on, or be inspired to think a little outside of the box and find what works for you instead of just following some generic marketing garbage. Let me know if there is anything specific you want me to share. You can follow me on Instagram @freestylefitnesss or on Youtube @freestylefitnessvids. Given my history of not publishing much, I can’t guarantee that I will alwayssss be posting, but I promise that I will make an effort to post MORE, ok?

I know I hit you with a lotttt. I know. I told you all about my travels last year, I told you about what happened with my Dad, I told you how I am taking care of myself, and about my current goal. I wouldn’t have told you if I didn’t love you.

<3 Kristina